Each day that goes down with the sun,
reminds me of life passing by,
Time gone, never to return,
what have I achieved, 
What did I do with the time allotted to me?
A question, I ponder with daily,
alas only in the evening...
A new day dawns with the sun smiling down again on me,
giving me another chance for something spectacular,
Or maybe something, a small thing, 
to make a dent, a change somewhere in someone's life,
Maybe just mine... 
Think and act, I say to myself...just again......

Today, my mind wondered about the importance of marriage in the present age. This was induced by one news item I read in the morning Indian Express newspaper. It was a feel good article... in which an US based malayali lady has opened an institution to help autistic kids and their parents along with Ms. Kiran Bedi. In that they mentioned a couple who had an autistic child and the husband left the wife two years after the child's birth. The lady is depressed, no support from the one she needs it the most from. This is not the first incident where a man has left a lady fending for herself and her child who needs special care. You may ask ' even ladies do that'. But then very few would ditch their kids, unless in dire situations.

So back to my question why does the society insist on marriages when men cannot be supportive. Some may debate that a lady is capable of mentally handling all the situations. Yes she is, absolutely. According to our culture a lady is supposed to handle, but times have changed. In the society long back when a lady was given more respect in our society, she could handle it much better. Now, the lady is not secure at her work place also. No wonder all the girls are following the western culture... where a single mother can take care of her kids and also have a fulfilling life.

Back to my question ...please think... introspect , why, why should a man free himself from responsibilities so easily.. and society supports him. Why then should a girl be forced into marriage??? We should follow the American system of signing a contract before marriage putting in certain clauses which will be beneficial for either party in case of disputes.

Why am I just as I am....
a question asked millions of time in my mind.
Wishy washy... am I, is it why I am like I am???
Days when I just feel on top of the world,
days when I long for a hand that could hold me,
days when I wish for someone who would be there to console me,
tell me am doing just fine... as anyone normal if not more...

Then I say come on, you are almost half century in this world,
have you not learnt anything by now....
Get a grip, there is so much to do,
again I overlook myself to fall into the pattern, called living.
Thus goes another thought...more to come.

Mystic feelings....seeing through the present into the past.......

I am immensely effected by old places, especially temples, forts and palaces. When I go to an old temple, now in the middle of a sprawling city... I try to feel the surrounding as it would have been in the times of the kings who ruled from the temples or in the region there... the feeling. I feel like being transported to that era. I feel my presence in that era.

Niku's b'day present to me....

Dear Mom, Happy bday!!!

            I usually write a poem for you and so this time I thought I'd do something different. It is a bit long.

People say as they grow older each year they become more mature and experienced..but do they really? I think as each year passes a person becomes a lot more confused, lost, sometimes more afraid, childlike and maybe wiser (due to their experience). I think the only people in the world who actually know what they are doing and actually do what they want to do are newborn babies....No wonder they are so peaceful. Everyone in the world keeps searching...searching for happiness.......What a shock it is for them when they realise that happiness comes from being true to yourself and others..Innocence is not being stupid...People forget that sometimes...Innocence is showing your true thoughts as they come...Thats why babies are called innocent and I think thats why their the most at peace apart from dead people who dont feel at all. I guess what im trying to say is that it doesnt matter what people think or say because half the time they themselves dont know what they are doing and the rest of the time they dont mean it (This goes for good or bad perceptions about you or any other thing in the world). In the end a person should say to herself/himself: Does it really matter?? Because everyone in life - no matter how big or small their problems seem to each other - is trying to find meaning to everything and so their perceptions change like new blood cells being produced in the body..And that is reeeeeaaaaallllyyy fast. Its OK to be lost,confused or childlike and immature sometimes because life tends to be like that. You have moments of clarity and you have moments where you feel like you are crap on the sidewalk..

Thank you mom, thank you for bringing me up in such a way that i think such thoughts and ask such questions..

Not many in the world truly know me like you do with all my strengths and weaknesses.

I know you see my strengths and you are proud.

I know you see my weaknesses and feel worried. I know you see my vulnerability and are scared and thats why you are so protective. I see it too and sometimes I am scared too..But you taught me to be courageous and brave and to be a warrior of light in life. And i intend to be like that.

You always tell me we are there for each other and I believe that. I know you love me so much and dont want to lose me and thats why you get angry and you just want to cover me and hide me so the world cant get to me when I tell you or when you see me in situations  where I get hurt or may get hurt physically or mentally or both..

I love you too.

You have raised me up so I can see the beauty of the world and I dont know whether I'll be able to show my gratitude to you for that. Sometimes I feel like I dont need to because we are one and the same. We are family.

But how can I see the beauty without getting hurt a few times? Mom, remember in 8th and 9th std I was very upset because I got hurt by one of my bestfriends? I was sitting and crying in front of the computer. I think that was one of the times you didnt shout, you just consoled me. In life, I may and probably will get hurt....And maybe half of the time it might be due to my own stupid mistakes....Im sorry...I know the pain I might cause you by getting hurt and probably already feel stupid and guilty  without you even having to show me an expression...Please be there to give me hugs and kisses and console me because no one else will probably do it as honestly and with truthfull and open love as you would. You are the only one I can run to and hide when the world becomes scary and sad. You were and are my best friend who takes the time to actually listen to me when I talk (esp about anything related to spiritualism) and understand me and realise my potential and wisdom...You sit up late and watch movies with me, advice me, scold me to the right path,dance and sing with me, cook with me, listen to my advice.. Im sorry if I step over the line with you sometimes but it is because I feel so able to tell you anything honestly sometimes that I hurt your feelings...I really didnt want to...Im truly sorry...Sometimes I may joke or tease and that too might hurt and for that too I apologise for not understanding how you might take it..Its because between friends we joke and teaselike this and since I think of you as a close friend I do that to you too..

We all make mistakes and learn different lessons in life sometimes and that doesnt mean the other is wrong or right it just means that we all see life in different ways due to our experiences.

Thankyou for being a parent that made me a person who believes in the good and beauty of everything and being in life. Thankyou for making me a person who dreams, believes, hopes, lives, sees, thinks, hears, loves, analyses, feels, experiences and plays. Thankyou for making me believe in my abilities (all of them, even creative ones) and making me a person who considers all of them equal whether it is a creative ability or an academic one. Thank you and please keep believing in me because you are one of the most important people who make me believe that I can do anything and keeps me from breaking down..

I dont know if this is selfish but I need you to live long to give me strength and support so please take care of yourself and try to rid yourself of depressing thoughts. I shall try to do whatever I can to take care of you and help you. The people in the world may give me enough criticism, so keep giving me your love.

I know life is has been harsh and unfair to you but dont worry it wont be in vain no matter what you see me and chechi do because we will akways be there for you..to fight for you..We love you.... You dont realise how much.

Sometimes we dissapoint you somewhere..dont worry we'll learn or make you proud in some other field :P ;)

                  Life maybe long or short and I dont care which one it is. We all die someday. Some die young and some old and sometimes we realise at that point that maybe we were exactly the same throughout our lives and maybe we realise that we changed. It doesnt matter which way a plant grows; straight, crooked, up or down, tall or short. It matters how it sways when the wind comes, how it stands in a storm enjoying the rain, how it stands watching the sunset and how it brings fruits and flowers into the world and doesnt care about anyones perception about it. Thats what makes it beautiful.

Mom, you are beautiful, amazing, romantic, creative, childlike and wise. You know how to dream, imagine and see the world. Your smile can make rainbows in people's hearts. So smile and laugh. You have a lot to live. Fight. You have taught me to. Tell your worries that you have a solution or will find one so dont bother you. And when you feel helpless look up because God is and has always been there for you. Because I sicerely believe he brought you through all the houses we have shifted to and through this entire big journey, to the flat that you own now to see the stars, the moon, the sun, sunset, blue sky , trees and feel the amazing breeze that he made for you. We can do this best only at our flat. Nowhere else it so beautiful. Trust me. I know.

We are much bigger in this life than we realize sometimes...we sometimes have a big role to play in this huge incomprehensible story that God is creating..

It is a blessing to be born.... 

Thankyou Mom for being born as one of the greatest blessings in my life.

I love you Mommy XOXOXOXOXO times infinity. umah <3 Have an amazing day. 

Marriage,  a great topic for introspection... why do we marry??? Many reasons..for our parents, so that they feel relieved of their responsibilities.., can be thinking that it is a rosy world after marriage, thinking that we have found our soul mate, for money if the spouse is rich, thinking that a marriage can save his/her family, just trying to change ones status in society,... or for any innumerable reasons... very few marry thinking that it is for finding a person for life long friendship and companionship. 

Many men marry for showing their power in society by being dominant and nasty. They want their wives to be their slaves, will not respect their individuality, will insult them every chance they get, will not care for them... caring sometimes for some men is to provide..roti, kapda and makkan... , then they expect their wives to sleep with them whenever they want to satisfy their physical needs... they think it is her duty... He cannot understand a woman cannot share anything with a male who is not worthy of her respect and who does not respect her. Some men are just not tolerable... think!!!!

A normal day at school, on the way back home... or even in school... I feel like an incomplete teacher as long as I cannot put some value of goodness in at least  a few of my students. They are not to blame as even their parents.. most of them do not know the value of freedom... or how we got it. They do not have any inclination towards beauty...lyrics in music... nothing cultural or dignified.. they just know to eat and be consumers. Who is at fault?? How do we rectify this?? This feeling has been intensified by listening to Lata Mangeshkar's Ae mere vatan ke logo....do we realise how many ppl gave up their youth, sons, children, life etc... for the diginity of freedom and independence. Most of the modernised Indians are cowards or is it like vivekananda and swami chinmayananda said.. OUR YOUTH ARE NOT USELESS... THEY ARE USED LESS...

A casual stance, eyes towards the open horizon
sunset approaching, my mind praying,feeling the creation,
peaceful, just as after a storm of emotions....

I see a dark spot in the sky...approaching in my line of sight,
a majestic eagle...wings spread out wide..soaring high,
lifted my feelings with its flight... I too soared high in the sky,
following its every turn and gliding movement with my eyes,
felt in me that feeling of flight, might and height....I too soared high with my eyes.

The relentless flight of the mighty eagle,
free of any fright.. enjoying the detached feeling of pride
with the creator and the creation all combined.

My eyes tire...as the eagle disappear far and wide
I try to go with it where the horizon meets the sea...
but it is a loner, in its flight.. all alone flying with grace and pride.

Teachers....can they compared to the Gurus of the yesteryear??? Once they are in this field, they tend to think that they know everything... they act as gods... They forget the main aims... must be they too a very normal humans. Many don't have integrity then how do we bring up a nation of integrated youth???
It is found that many are just trying to keep their status or jobs....to do so they land up giving opportunity to the same students in every field. Don't forget the lot called the Teacher parents... they have the 'stupid' thought that they should interfere in all that happens to their own kids in the school. Foolishly turning the kid useless in the bargain.
Introspect.... who is at fault... the teachers...who may be excellent in their work... the management... the head of the institution for not knowing how to bring out the best in all the employees... maybe trying to keep her/his skin clean...who is responsible and then the main question... Who loses???????

Confused feelings?????

Why is it that we are overwhelmed by good thoughts and deeds.... want our kids to be 'GOOD' human beings, but lack the courage to encourage it in them. Whenever we see our kids going out of their way to help someone, even their friends, we become very protective and thus stop them from being a courageous human...we stop them from being what we want them to be originally....why why....?????

well, I find that the most difficult thing to do in this world is to take control of yourself.. your fears, longings, self pity, discipline...etc. My challenge to myself is taking control of myself. It is a task which should be continuously monitored, every second.. it may be easy for some... but for me a simple person a big challenge.... will catch up later.